By Keith C. Milne
While reading Tillie Olsen’s heart wrenching short story, “I Stand Here Ironing,” a profound sense of sadness filled my being. As the story progressed, I could feel the weight of it spreading through me like warm coffee on a cold day. First, in my heart, then in my stomach, landing like an anvil in the bottom of my gut, my racing heart pounding out the near molten reality of her words on the cold steel as neatly as a blacksmith.
In my mind, I flashed on the controlled anger that is a constant companion to a former friend, and the woman that sits close to me in my psychology class. I felt lucky. Somehow I managed to overcome most of my pain and put aside my fears enough to get on with my life. I took what I found useful and left the rest behind.
My scars, like all lessons, are a guiding reminder of what not to become, experiences felt maybe a little too much, and of the many mistakes I endured.
Like “Emily,” many of us have endured bad things during the course of our childhood. Many of us overcome our pain or at least live with it in a manageable way, and some even thrive despite having a rough childhood. “I stand here Ironing,” teaches the importance of taking extra care when making choices while we parent our children. It illustrates that most mothers do the best that they can, given their particular circumstances. For when they look back, they alone have to live as witnesses to the outcome of their choices and how they affected their children.
In this story, the mother’s choices are as painfully apparent as her regret, “You did not know her all those years she was thought homely, or see her pouring over her baby pictures, making me tell her over and over how beautiful she had been–and would be, I would tell her–and was now, to the seeing eye. But the seeing eyes were few or nonexistent. Including mine.” (815)
When her husband left her, which no one could predict or foresee, she had no choice but to leave her delicate, innocent, beautiful baby in the arms of an uncaring stranger–every parents nightmare. “ . . . I had to leave her daytimes with the woman downstairs to whom she was no miracle at all . . . ” (815)
This trauma, by itself, may not have been so bad if, like a one-two punch, the equally traumatic experience of suddenly having a new mother had not been a part of this poor little girl’s reality during the most critical part of her life, “ . . . But it came to where I had to bring her to his family and leave her. . . When she finally came [home] I hardly knew her . . . All the baby loveliness [was] gone.” (816)
Next came the knockout–a bad daycare facility, “Except that it would have made no difference if I had known. It was the only place there was. It was the only way we could be together, the only way I could hold a job. . . And even without knowing, I knew. I knew the teacher there was evil because all these years it has curdled into my memory, the little boy hunched in the corner. . .” (816)
This situation is echoed millions of times everyday, all across this country. It is not easy for the children or the parent(s). Too often, for economic reasons, children like Emily end up like casualties of war. They are shell-shocked by their cruel reality. It is tantamount to a child’s mental health to give that child as much love as possible in these types of circumstances. If they feel loved and cared for, economics alone cannot, and will not be the child’s undoing psychologically. Almost all economic deficits that can force undesired decisions at the familial level can be countered by extra love, attention and proper care.
Children don’t know what money is! Children don’t care about money or things until they learn to. What children do know about is when something isn’t right with mom or dad. They see the anger, the fear, the psycho-dramas. When they see these emotions coming from their parents (parents are like God to them), they feel anxious inside and learn to protect themselves from what they can’t make sense out of. “The old man living in the back once said in his gentle way: ‘You should smile at Emily more when you look at her.’ What was in my face when I looked at her? I loved her. There were all the acts of love.” (816)
This is where Emily’s mother, like many first time mothers who lack experience, made the biggest mistake at all. She saw what was happening, as evidenced by her daughter’s behavior, but didn’t do what was necessary to counter the effects of all the negative elements in her young daughters life. And the scars began to form from all of the inflicted wounds, “ . . . too late for Emily. She does not smile easily, let alone almost always as her brothers and sisters do. Her face is closed and
sombre . . . ” (816)
Not surprisingly, it doesn’t take many negative instances to have profound and lasting consequences, both at an interpersonal level and an academic one, “I used to try to hold and love her . . . but her body would stay stiff, and after a while she’d push away.” (818) “ . . . the homework not done . . . she was lost . . . suffering over the unpreparedness, stammering and unsure in her classes.” (820)
Happily, sometimes children find their niche in school, adopting their peers or teachers as their family. Those fortunate enough to find a mentor such as a big brother or sister, a neighbor, or another relative can often overcome childhood deficits. With Emily, it was acting and the
recognition and applause she gained from her comedy acts at school.
It doesn’t take a lot of critical thinking to realize that when we laugh at comedy or find something funny, we are laughing at someone else’s pain or suffering. Slap-stick comedy is a prime example of this. The Three Stooges, hitting each other and poking each other in the eye gets people laughing so hard they fall out of their chair. Comedy was the perfect outlet for Emily. She now had the perfect conduit for all of her pain, a major source of new material, and her performances fulfilled her need for the lack of love and attention she didn’t get while growing up.
Emily was by no means “healed” of all her pain. But, the fact that she found a creative outlet, and enjoyed enough success being creative so that some healing could take place, may have been her saving grace. It may well have proved to be the vehicle she needed in order to piece together enough self-esteem to become a productive member of society.
Unfortunately, no one knows how Emily will be towards her children if she someday decides to have them. Hopefully, she will be able to heal enough or reach a level of awareness that will allow her to circumvent similar behavior towards her own children.
The tragic irony of this not uncommon story is her mother’s regret, and that she is now the one experiencing pain. As she tries to sort out the events from the excuses, and tries to make sense out of how she could have let so many opportunities for positive change slip through her fingers with Emily, her life is growing dimmer, just as Emily’s did as a child.
I think people need to be extra thorough in their decision making about becoming parents, and what is going to be important for that child if, and when the decision is made to have one. A little forethought goes a long way towards better health for children. If this isn’t done, and someone finds him or herself in over their head while the child is growing, then the cycle of
pain, “Emily’s prophecy,” will continue to be passed down through generations as an inheritance when they don’t give their child the proper care and nurturing that it so desperately needs in order to flourish.
Considering what some children like Emily go through while growing up, for reasons only their God knows about, it is truly a miracle and a blessing that so many survive and turn out to be pretty well adjusted individuals. It praises the indomitable spirit of humankind.
We can all move towards putting this type of pain behind us. It takes much thought, awareness about oneself, and the ability to open ones heart, joined with a willingness to give and receive forgiveness.
We can rise above our pain, and take away it’s power to continue to affect our lives negatively by first allowing ourselves to grieve about our painful experiences, then letting it all go, realizing that it is over and in the past. Only then can we forgive all those people we perceive as having done harm to us.
We really owe it to ourselves, our parents, and the new generations we will create, to stop the cycle of pain, neglect, and abuse, by doing just that. “We are all wounded by the world: the key is to recognize our wounds and heal them, then wear our scars quietly, like discreet badges of honor.” (Selwyn 4)
Works Cited:
Olsen, Tillie. “I Stand Here Ironing.” Responding to Literature
Ed. Judith A. Stanford–3rd edition. Mayfield, 1999
Selwyn, Peter A. “Surviving The Fall–A Physician Comes Of Age.” Sun 271 (July 1998) : 4-12